Christian Flores
March 12th 2013
Essay#1, Draft#3
The Migraine Could be Deadly
A few years ago, I had a really bad experience with migraine. I don’t remember exactly what the reason that the migraine started out was, but I remember that I had a mild head pain, but later it got worse. I will never forget this experience because I felt like my head was going to blow up.
The worst part of the sickness was the horrible head pain. It felt like someone was hitting with a hammer inside of my head, and there was nothing I could do to stop it, holding my head with my hands, closing my eyes hard and twisting my neck. I looked like I wanted to take my head off.
The intense head pain brought other symptoms. The migraine was in front side of my head. The hard sore made my eyes hurt and the bright light made more intensive the headache. I also had an ear pain, the loud sounds were annoying enough to make me cry. I wasn't ok. I got fever and I had no appetite. When I tried to eat I vomited anything I ate.
I was really tired of these illnesses. I couldn't sleep well at night and i couldn't concentrate during the day. I thought the migraine wanted to drive me crazy or one of those days, I could die for a stroke.
After three days my mom took me to the doctor, and he gave me analgesics, antibiotics and he asked me to take one pill at that moment. He also gave me a prescription to follow and the next day the headache and the others symptoms were less intensive.
It took me like two weeks to recover from the illness. I took all the medicine that the doctor gave me; it wasn't a good experience, now i know that the migraine is the responsible for many deaths in the world. Thanks to God and my mom who took me to the doctor, I am alive and able to tell this story. I enjoy listening to music, watching TV and seeing the sun light.
Christian,
ReplyDeleteI like how this essay has a clear beginning-middle-end structure that is very logical and easy to follow. You also used some excellent metaphors to describe the pain that you were feeling at the time! I also wanted to mention your strong use of clear topic sentences -- they really help guide the reader into each paragraph. Well done!
The only topic sentence that wasn't clear to me was this one: "All that head pain called out others illnesses..." Do you mean to say that the pain caused other symptoms? I think that "symptoms" might be a better word than "illnesses" in that sentence.
I also noticed a lot of run-on sentences. Don't worry -- this is exactly the kind of thing that we will work on this semester. When we go to the computer lab, please sit next to a returning student. Ask him/her to read over your essay and to point out where the run-on sentences are. They will be easy to fix -- just break them apart into separate sentences. Please work on this issue as you prepare draft #2.
HI TEACHER. I APPRECIATE YOUR OBSERVATIONS IN MY ESSAY, XIXI GAVE ME SOME INDICATIONS TO FOLLOW, AND I WORKED ON IT. I WILL APPRECIATE IF YOU READ AGAIN AND COMMENT.
Delete