Hector Flores
March 12, 2013
Essay #1, Draft #1
An Unbearable Rash
When I was seven years old, and my
immunity system was too young, I broke out in a rash. I contracted Chicken Pox.
This is a kind of disease that affects most commonly children, and sometimes
adults also.
It was a nightmare while I was awake.
Everything started with a little itchy, but soon I felt like I was into a
honeycomb, and its bees came to leave their stings on my body. That felt awful
because when I tried to scratch my skin, there were volcanoes ready to erupt,
and bring me a painful moment.
My mom came one day, and gave me a sponge to
scratch those bubbles. With that I relieved my desire to scratch me. After few
days my body was completely covered with red and yellow bubbles. Once I saw my
body through a mirror, and believe me that looked like a strawberry.
Then a fight between fire and cold
took place in my already dying body. That was a fever above 102~F (38~C).
Sometimes it made me feel like a piece of wood on fire. But other moments, I
felt totally cold like I was into a fridge. It was not all; to make it a combo
an increasing pain punished me when I was trying to sleep.
Fortunately, my mother took me to the
doctor after six days sick. He gave me some antibiotics, and suggested me eat
healthy, rest, and take frequently showers. I started following his indications
and my disease started going down little by little. It was a long process to
recover my soft skin, and feel the difference between fire and cold again.
After all a process, I visited the
doctor one more time, and he gave a clean bill of health. I was very happy to
go out with my friends, and to enjoy my mom’s hugs. It was a tragic time for
me, and I hope never live it again.
Wow, what a dramatic essay! I love all the metaphors that you used in here -- stinging bees, volcanoes, fire! It really makes this fun to read.
ReplyDeleteBe careful with the preposition "into." We usually just use this to show movement (e.g. "I jumped into the pool"). With the honeycomb metaphor, I would either say, "I felt like I was a honeycomb" or "I felt like I had been turned into a honeycomb." For the metaphor about the fridge in the fourth paragraph, use "in" or "inside of" instead of "into" for the same reason.
Also, remember that we can't separate the object from the verb, so can you figure out how to fix "take frequently showers"?
Do you have any idea who gave you the chickenpox? Not a friend, I hope!