Iliana Britos
March 12, 2013
Essay #1, Draft #2
The Change of Season and What Bring to Us
I had a very bad experience every time the season change. My allergies makes my days difficult . Everything started with congestion around my nose, this makes me have problems to breath or smell. My eyes turn watery and it’s look like I had been crying.
The rash came right after the congestion. My skin has red patches all around and itches really bad. It’s felt like one thousand ants are biting me.
I been having trouble to get up in the morning, I felt tired all day long. I even called in sick to my job once. I take long naps but when I try to get up I feel dizzy, everything is spinning around me.
The doctor said that allergies are common in this time of the year. Some persons are luckiest than me and the symptoms aren’t severe. She sents me home with an anti-allergic and with the recommendation of stay inside as much as I can till the medicine starting to work.
Almost immediately that I started with the medicine I felt better. Finally I can breathe and smell. It took me a couple of days to get rid of my congestion. My skin is back to normal the same day. But most important, I was able to go outside and enjoy the fresh air. I know now that, when the season is about to change I’m going to have my anti-allergic ready so I’m not going to suffer again.
Hi Iliana,
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you got some good anti-allergy medication! I don't have allergies, but my husband and son do, so I know how much they suffer during allergy season! You describe the different sensations very well -- I love the metaphor about the biting ants!
I noticed that your essay begins with some very short paragraphs. Do you think you can combine some of these into larger paragraphs?
I also wanted to ask you about the verb tenses in this essay. You use both simple present and simple past, which is a little confusing for me as a reader. When the essay starts, it sounds like you have allergies right now, but then by the end it sounds like this is an experience from the past. Which one is it? Either style of writing is fine, but you shouldn't switch back and forth between the past and the present because this can confuse the reader. Take a look at all your verbs and see if you notice the same thing.
Also, be very careful of using the present participle on its own as a verb tense, such as in the sentence, "Everything starting with congestion..." We can't use the -ing form alone because then it has no tense.
Let me know if you have any questions! This is a great start. I'm looking forward to draft #2.