March 12, 2013
Essay#1, Draft#1
Serious Pimple
Pimple is a illness that some red rash raise on your skin, especially on your face. About ten years ago, I got a serious pimple. It began with eating lots of hot food and drinking white wine in a short time. And I had a work pressure. So my sleeping was not good. Then the pimple started on my face.
At the first time, there were several red spots on my face. And I squeezed them and make more effecting, and then the red spots turned into pimple. But I didn’t care at that time. Many people told me that it was normal because young people often had pimple. The only way I cured it was to keep Squeezing. And this made it worst.
At the same time, I found I couldn’t sleep very well, woke up early and couldn’t sleep any more. And I started to have constipation. The worst thing was there were more than 40% of my face was cover with pimple. I realized it was a serious pimple. My face is ugly. It was awful! I needed to saw a doctor.
After my doctor listened to what I talked about my illness. He checked my pimple very carefully. After that, he requested me to stopped squeezing the pimple, eating hot food, and drinking alcohols but drank more water. I also needed to relax myself from my work and try to sleep more. He gave me some Chinese medicine to add water to boil, and then drank. The last thing was I had to be patient because maybe I would spend a year to cure it.
I did everything across to what the doctor told me. I drank the Chinese medicine after boiling. It was extremely bitter. I started eating the mild food but not the hot food and no more alcohols, and tried to drink more water. At the same time, I listened to some light music and read books before sleeping. It made me sleeping well.
After a week, I felt the constipation wasn’t serious. I knew what the doctor told me worked. So I insisted the good job. About two months later, the pimple turned smaller. At the fourth month, the pimple was disappearing.
It took me about ten months to fully recover. My face was not ugly any more. I really appreciated my doctor. He not only cured my illness, but also gave me a good habit of eating more mild food but not hot food, drinking more water but not alcohols, and sleeping earlier. After keeping the good habit, I never have serious pimple.
Hi Jim,
ReplyDeleteI found your essay as a draft earlier today and put in the paragraph breaks that you see here. It is really late, so I am just going to meet with you tomorrow in person to give you some feedback, okay? Sorry!
Hi Jim,
ReplyDeleteWhat a strange and terrible experience! I'm glad that you found such a good doctor to help you out. I never realized that a skin condition could affect your whole body that way.
When you say "pimple" I think that you actually mean "acne." A pimple is the little mark on your skin, and acne is when you get many, many pimples. Do you see the difference? Can you go through your essay and decide whether you should use "acne" or "pimple" whenever you use this word?
I also noticed that you start a lot of sentences with and, but or so. Remember that we should try to not start sentences with these words -- instead, we should try to join independent clauses with them. Can you join up some of your sentences so that not so many of them start with and, but or so? This will make your writing flow better.
This is a good start!